Ever. Bad decision. Shouldn’t have come to Delhi. Happy miserable whatever it was, Mumbai was it. I should have stayed here. I don’t know why I came. Shit. Should have stayed away.
Things have only gone wrong. Head is fucked. Completely. Running away is all I think of. Can’t even explain why. Just do. Everything seems to be falling apart. And there is no sea face. Who do I face when I don’t want to face anybody? I thought I was brave. But I am chickenshit. The days are torture. The nights are too long. Can’t even hide in the crowd. Disgusted with myself. And things around me. And helpless. Only thing to look forward to is getting away from it all. Everything. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone. And no one knows me. Jump off a cliff. Hang on by a thread. Let go of all I have. And all I don’t. Go into a never ending stoned silence which no one breaks. Never look at a watch.
I don’t even know what I am angry at. And that makes me angrier. There is but one place I can go and even she won’t understand. There should be a reset button on life. Click and everything is back to good. Or zero. Start afresh. No hang ups. No baggage. No strings attached. Why doesn’t it? Why? Why should I give anything to anyone? Why should I not be selfish? Saying sometimes 10 times over doesn’t make it right. Or a 100. No I am not stoned. I just feel like water on a slope. Flowing out of control. Out of bounds. The love is gone. All that is left is emptiness. Nothing. Worst part is I know I am lying. Because my head is filled with things. And yet is empty. Just thick smoke. Too difficult to see beyond. It doesn’t even rain here. Soak away in the deluge. Melt away.
Can’t even sleep. Shit.